Enabling

We all face tough choices. When an addict comes to me for help, what do I do? It depends on a lot of things. Do I have the means to help? Do I have the time to help? Will what they are asking actually help them? The last question has to do with the concept of enabling.

For the purposes of this discussion, I'll define enabling for you:

Actions or lack of action that encourage or promote continued or worsened bad
behavior.

Now for some examples. Some of these are tough calls, and I don't even pretend to know the right answers in everyone's special conditions.

"Can you help me with rent? They're going to evict me if I don't pay by Tuesday."

Sorry, but paying the rent means that what was supposed to go to rent ends up going to drugs. This is tough. It may end up with them on the street, or hanging with friends. It may end up that they have nowhere to go but your living room couch. Despite all this, the hard lesson is that their responsibilities don't go away when ignored.

"I need some cash for a bus pass so I can get to work."

This is actually a bit misleading. They don't need the cash, really. (See the rent response.) What they need is a bus pass. The response here depends on how desperate they are. From what I've seen personally, buying the pass has been useful. It's helped to get them to both work and court appearances. The tough part is to keep it from being a new monthly expense on your part, so it needs to come with restrictions that you will stick to. It could be something like "I can get you a pass for this month, but next month is entirely your job." Then do not give in next month or you will have turned into their monthly transportation supplier.

"I can't get to work until my car has (new brakes/headlights/gas/whatever)."

Can you afford the expense? Let's assume yes. Is it your responsibility? Not likely. Can you do it as an act of compassion? So long as it doesn't involve the addict handling any cash. Will it help? It depends on the situation. If it's really a crisis they couldn't have avoided, I'm more likely to side with mercy. If it's something they could have done, but blew the cash on a high, then I'm inclinded to let justice rule.

You've probably noticed a theme here. Addicts are poor handlers of cash. Money in the hand tends to turn quickly into a high rather than going toward rent, food, auto repairs, or child care. Will they pitch a fit when you don't hand over what they want? Of course they will. You need to be strong and realize they will do almost anything and say almost anything to get what they think they need.

You will be called heartless. You will likely be sworn at. They may cry and tell you that you're the only thing keeping them from death in a gutter on some forgotten street. They may even threaten suicide. If you buckle and give them what they want instead of what they need, nothing will change. Learning that actions result in consequences is something everyone should learn as a child simply because it's so painful to learn it as an adult. It looks to me like it's even worse to learn about consequences as a drug addicted adult.

Their responses will tell you a lot about what they really need. It could be that they need jail, therapy, intervention, rehabilitation, or even just a bus pass. Every case is different, and you need to be aware of how your assistance will be used in order to know if it's the right thing to do.

Until you see them managing their own money successfully and paying their bills with money earned through their job, don't even consider sending cash their way. Once they are managing their own accounts, they won't need cash assistance for anything but emergencies.

We must all be compassionate and care for those who cannot care for themselves, but please never get confused between acts of compassion and enabling the destruction of another human being. Do what you can to help them to recover. That's quite often different from what they want.