Differences of Opinion

It turns out that my sister-in-law is not quite out yet, but might be within a couple of days. She just has to clear up one last warrant based on an unpaid fine, and she'll be released to a drug rehab program. Her husband got out a few days ago, and is awaiting sentencing on a couple of things.

She knows what she needs the most right now. The judge presiding over her Drug Court also knows what she needs. I also know what she needs. Same thing for him. He has his ideas, the judges have their ideas, the family has their own ideas.

The problem is that none of them are exactly the same. Extended family and the judges tend to agree fairly well, but none are in perfect agreement. There's a bit of give and take, and there's a specific chain of authority and responsibility that must be recognized.

The judge has specific duties and goals. He's responsible for administering justice and following the programs and guidelines. At our home, we're responsible for raising the children. Their parents are responsible for meeting their own needs. The tricky parts are the overlaps. The parents want to visit the kids. The judge issues a no-contact order between the parents. We need to show up in court to find out anything useful on status. The parents don't like the programs, requirements, fines, and fees imposed on them, and want to do things differently.

Things can be difficult at times, but I'm willing to play my part and allow everyone else to play theirs, even if it's not exactly to my preferences. Sure, I'd like to be able to micromanage things sometimes, and at other times I'd like to wash my hands of the more difficult complexities, but that's just not the way the world works.

Synergy takes advantage of our own little differences and specialties, and allows us to accomplish things as a group that nobody could do individually. Let's just hope that all the jobs get covered, and everyone pays attention to those with the right to dictate the methods of their own portion.

Insurance Issues

When we picked up four kids-in-care, we hadn't considered everything that we would need to arrange to properly see to their needs. We knew that they needed a home, food and schooling, but beyond that we hadn't really thought about it. There's a limit to what you can do on a single day's notice.

One of the issues we hadn't thought much about in advance was insurance. I have my family insured through my employer. The family policy covers medical and dental insurance as most similar plans do. The children arrived uninsured, since neither parent had a job with insurance benefits. They'd been on state aid for a while, but that's all we had record of.

I approached the Human Resources department at work to see what would be necessary to add the new kids to the insurance plan. They told me that the kids could not be added to the policy. In order to add them, I would need custody of the kids to be formally given to me through the courts.

At this point the parents hadn't yet shown signs of serious drug addiction. I don't even know if they were regular drug abusers at that point. All I knew was that the kids were going to be with us for a while while the parents were fighting, and that the parents could not insure them. It's a scary feeling to be financially exposed like that. What if one of the kids needed surgery or hospitalization for some other reason? Whose obligation would it be to pay?

A little study showed me that it was still the parent's responsibility to support their children, even after custody changes. That did me little good, since I knew they had nothing to pay in case of emergency. That all lead to a real soul-searching conversation with the parents. I told them that to properly care for their children, they needed insurance. Since the parents couldn't provide it, there weren't really many options.

I could insure them, but only if I had custody. There may have been some form of state aid available without the formal change in custody, but I wasn't familiar with what agencies to contact at that point. The parents decided with us that it was best to sign over custody, so we went through all the paperwork. Utah has a convenient Internet-based system called OCAP (Online Court Assistance Program) for uncontested cases where you can represent yourself and pay greatly reduced court fees.

We filled out the paperwork, got the required signatures, and got a court date. We were there, both parents were there, and my wife's mother was there together in the courtroom. After a few tears and no objections, we had been given full custody, which allowed us to insure the children through my work policy. All I needed was to take to our Human Resources department an original stamped version of the court order along with all the birthdates and social security numbers of the children. It was easy, since the custody paperwork had required all that information anyway.

I've changed jobs since then, but it's been the same routine. Get a certificate of creditable coverage for everyone in the family, and take the original custody form to prove that they should be allowed on the insurance policy.

Now that we have custody, it is the parent's responsibility to demonstrate to us at some point in the future that they can once again care for the children. They're back together now, and have at least a desire to get clean. We play it month by month and year by year, always making sure the children know they are welcome and can plan to be with us forever if necessary.

Those of you with a court-ordered custody cases rather than voluntary cases have different rules and requirements, and quite likely a deadline after which the state proceeds to adoption rather than reunification. Those of you with no custody arrangement at all should examine the possibilities closely and do what you can to best care for the children.

For us, it was a poignant but necessary step in giving the children the care they needed. Will it work out that way for you? I couldn't possibly predict that because I don't know your unique situation. I'm simply sharing one case of how things turned out, and hoping to have shared some possibilities that will be useful with you.

Success Stories

It's amazing how well children can do when put into an environment where they have structure, rules, and most importantly love. My own story includes my lovely wife, our five children ranging from sixteen to ten year old twins, along with three nieces and a nephew who range from ten to five. Their parents have a long history of both legal and drug abuse issues. They seemed to have mostly gotten over things for a while, but there was a major relapse. We were asked if we could take the kids for a while since they were seperated, barely scraping by, and couldn't give the kids the care they needed.

We've had legal custody of them now for over two years, and don't know if the parents will recover their lives or not. What matters most to us is that the kids now have a stable environment in which to thrive, and thrive they have. They're doing great in school and church. They have friends. Not to mention never a dull moment with a total of nine kids in the house.

Sure, it's hectic. Sure, it's tough sometimes. Sure, life would have been simpler with just our own five kids. But what would you have done if you knew that you were the last line of defense, the last shot for four children to have a shot at a fairly normal life? The rewards are worth every minute of it. We share. We help each other. We teach each other. I wouldn't ever wish to go back and change that choice to take in four children who needed help.

Personal successes keep us going. Sharing those successes are what keep others going in the face of adversity and trial. Do you have a success to share about raising children of addicts, or with addiction itself? Please share so we can all benefit.