Differences of Opinion

It turns out that my sister-in-law is not quite out yet, but might be within a couple of days. She just has to clear up one last warrant based on an unpaid fine, and she'll be released to a drug rehab program. Her husband got out a few days ago, and is awaiting sentencing on a couple of things.

She knows what she needs the most right now. The judge presiding over her Drug Court also knows what she needs. I also know what she needs. Same thing for him. He has his ideas, the judges have their ideas, the family has their own ideas.

The problem is that none of them are exactly the same. Extended family and the judges tend to agree fairly well, but none are in perfect agreement. There's a bit of give and take, and there's a specific chain of authority and responsibility that must be recognized.

The judge has specific duties and goals. He's responsible for administering justice and following the programs and guidelines. At our home, we're responsible for raising the children. Their parents are responsible for meeting their own needs. The tricky parts are the overlaps. The parents want to visit the kids. The judge issues a no-contact order between the parents. We need to show up in court to find out anything useful on status. The parents don't like the programs, requirements, fines, and fees imposed on them, and want to do things differently.

Things can be difficult at times, but I'm willing to play my part and allow everyone else to play theirs, even if it's not exactly to my preferences. Sure, I'd like to be able to micromanage things sometimes, and at other times I'd like to wash my hands of the more difficult complexities, but that's just not the way the world works.

Synergy takes advantage of our own little differences and specialties, and allows us to accomplish things as a group that nobody could do individually. Let's just hope that all the jobs get covered, and everyone pays attention to those with the right to dictate the methods of their own portion.

Carrots Vs. Sticks

It looks like my sister-in-law gets out of jail next Monday. She has all the serious charges against her grouped together in an agreement that formally puts her into Drug Court. From here it will be a matter of whether she can stick with the rehab, testing, appearances and all that goes with it in order to get the carrot being offered to her.

The carrot is to have all those charges reduced or dropped if she graduates from the program. The associated stick is the potential sentencing on the guilty pleas she has made on those same charges.

The part that I'm worried about is the possibility of hovering half way between carrot and stick, or doing just enough to stay in the program, but lingering on forever without graduating or being booted. I would prefer the finality of either option to the vague limbo of the in between.

Of course my view is colored by the fact that I'm looking at it from her kid's viewpoint. Uncertainty is hard on us all, but as adults we tend to have more control over it. Kids don't have that same level of responsibility or the capabilities to change their environment, so they have to rely on what we as adults do for or to them. The hard part is that it's not something you can plan out and schedule. We don't know how things will stand next week, next month or next year.

Our job is to keep things stable at home, and to give kids a normal environment where they can play, learn and grow.

Stigma Vs. Appeal

We have in our state the Utah Methampheteamine Joint Task Force whose job is to reduce the use of meth across the state. They're using the Montana Meth Project as an example of a successful program that has done well with its own stated goals of:

1. Increase the perceived risks of meth use
2. Decrease the perceived benefits of meth
3. Increase parent-child discussions on meth
4. Increase the social disapproval of meth use

Now for the question of the day. How do we increase the social disapproval of drug abuse in order to reduce the number of new users, while still not stigmatizing existing users so they are more reluctant to come forward for treatment?

I think I've got a pretty good handle on the first three personally, but that fourth one can be tricky. Where's the balance? Can people be made to think it's a vile habit and exert peer pressure to avoid meth without making users more afraid to get the help they need? Do we just sacrifice a few current users in order to scare away those who haven't started yet? Quite a moral conundrum.

Free Lunch

Sometimes there is such a thing as a Free Lunch. Cathy Free writes for the Deseret News here in the Salt Lake City area. A couple of weeks back, she met with my wife for lunch (hence the Free Lunch name) to discuss our story and how we're learning about the resources available to those who care for the children of others.

I am normally wary of news reporters of all sorts because of how badly I've seen stories mangled for the sake of adding hype to draw readers, but both my wife and I have respect for Cathy based on reading her past articles. A short visit during lunch can hardly do to learn such a complicated story in depth, but the story as told is pretty close.

Kelly's goal from the meeting wasn't to show off or stand in the spotlight. She's not like that. The thought would horrify her. Our hope is that the article will raise awareness of the issues we're going through, and to help those who are lost in the sea of questions as they raise the children of relatives, or are forced to deal with the fallout of drug addiction.

When they hear of us raising the nieces and nephew, lots of people say "I could never do that." Given the choice of seeing children tossed into a life of poverty and drug abuse, or taking them in and raising them as your own, it's a choice I think many people could make. It's a choice many do make. For some, there's no option but to do it. Give yourself some credit for what you would do when there doesn't seem to be a good alternative.

Edit: A recovered addict (Thanks for the email, J.D.) was concerned about what looked like a really harsh attitude toward drug addicts in the intro to the article, and that it wasn't a productive way of portraying the issue. Kelly and I agree completely, and it was simply a case of the conversation not being transcribed as accurately as it could have been. Reading the rest of the entries we've posted here should give a much more clear view of our attitudes and efforts.

Drug Court

The mother of our kids-in-care is getting ready for Drug Court. That's a program that lasts a year or more with intensive drug testing, rehabilitation, and training. It's a program where they plead guilty to one or more charges, and the judge puts off enforcement of sentencing and releases them into a treatment program for drug rehabilitation. If they graduate from the program, the charges are all dropped.

This is a positive step, although she'll be facing some difficult issues. It's easy to think clearly and plan while in the forced detox of jail. The hard part is actually following through after release when the temptations are always at hand. Then there are the issues of needing a place to stay, and a job.

Explaining all of this to children is tough. How do you tell kids ranging from 5 to 10 years old that their mother is in a program that will last at least a year before she can get out from under a list of felony charges? The timeframe is mindboggling to kids that age, and I don't have any idea how to meaningfully describe the charges in anything better than vague terms.

The kids deserve to know how things are going, but it's a delicate balance to describe things in a way that will mean something to each child. I can't tell them they'll be staying with their parents eventually, because I have no idea if that's true. I can't say they'll overcome their addictions. What I can say is that their parents love them very much, that they want to overcome their problems, and that it's good to write encouragements to them.

Results of a different approach

I told recently about how I was stumped on what to write to my sister in law and her husband while they await court dates in jail. We got a letter back from her over the weekend saying how she really appreciated the letter, and that she felt it was the first letter that didn't seem to her to be lecturing and judgemental.

As I mentioned earlier, there were a lot of things I could have written. Some things would have been just to make myself feel better. Some would be just a rant. Luckily I took the time to come up with what I thought would be the most useful.

Perhaps I've discovered an effective way to communicate with her by approaching the situation from a teacher-student relationship rather than the saint-sinner mode that is so easy to fall into by default. In most cases, education seems to work better than rebuke.

Everybody knows things that they should be doing, but that they don't quite get around to doing. With some people it's more serious and important things that don't get done. The trick is to translate "know" into "do." Like Yoda said, "Do, or do not. There is no try." Having an excuse for failure still means you failed and someone has to take up the slack.

So how do we get from knowing something to doing something? It works forward through the concept that I sent in that letter a week and a half ago, where what we do is based on what we think. I believe we need to have both a reason that we care about, and a plan to get us there.

I'll be concentrating on providing those reasons and plans as I work on writing the next letter.

Six Ways to Spin Bad News

It can be tough to tell children that one or both parents are in jail. It can generate a lot of hard feelings. We got asked a lot of "whys" last week. My wife had to explain to our nine year old nephew that the police are still the good guys, even though they arrested both his mom and dad and sent them to jail. Here are some ways to ease the hurt when you need to break the news.

1. It's the best place for them to take care of their legal problems. They won't miss any court appearances because they will have someone in charge of making sure they show up. They can't forget, they don't need to find transportation, and they will be getting constant encouragement to resolve things, even if they're spread across multiple jurisdictions.
2. It's a good place to get into rehab. Availability of rehab programs has been improving as the scope of the drug problem has become more public. If nothing else, it's an enforced detox. They've got a better shot at getting into rehab if it's part of the reason they're in jail. Some people when out on their own just don't quite seem to find the time, or don't like a particular program, or want to find something that's just right. In jail, they have much less flexibility, but much more schedule and direction.
3. We know where they are. It's possible to write letters and send pictures and know they'll get delivered.
4. Arrests can greatly speed up the resolution of cases. They'll be out on their own without being a fugitive when they're done. Justice is a good thing. When we do what we should, it protects us. When we don't do what we should, it protects others from us, and helps us to change. It's not just about punishment.
5. They won't be out breaking the law and creating more legal cases. The worst they can do in jail is manufacture contraband from the minimal supplies they have on hand. Sure, one could get into a lot of trouble while in jail, but it's a whole lot easier outside than inside.
6. Birthday and Christmas shopping are greatly simplified. This may sound flippant, but it actually came up with us. The kids pooled some allowance money, and their dad later told them what he had bought as their Christmas presents to him. All you need to do is put some money on their commisary account, and they can buy their own things from the allowed list. No need to wonder what it is they need the most, since that choice is taken away from you for the most part. One exception that is allowed locally is that a publisher can send books directly to an inmate. Once they're done reading it, the book goes into a library for other inmates to use.

Some of these items will be more comforting than others. Some might not apply in your case, but for us it helps to have a list when talking with the kids. It helps them feel informed. They deserve to know how things are going, and how they can be involved whether through calls, letters, or visits. Also remember that one size does not fit all. Each child will react differently. Our five year old niece for instance was overheard just over a year ago talking to one of her friends at church in a cheerful tone of complete innocence, "No, really! My daddy is in jail."